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"Before launching into the answers I just want to say that etiquette, for The Wedding Co., has one really simple ground rule."
"In the broadest sense, etiquette is about respect and consideration for everyone involved. Therefore, the ground rule we suggest is to consider and weigh the feelings and perspectives of everyone involved."
"This isn't to say that every person has the right to influence or sway your decisions about your wedding. In each situation, different people will have different significance, a bride's mother's feelings are important, for example, when she expresses the desire to be with her daughter as she shops for the big day. This can be a particularly important time to share between a mother and daughter. Buying a perfect dress on a whim with a best friend in tow might come off as hurtful - even if a mother is just asked for her opinion on a second visit to the shop, it will feel better."
"When it comes to the rules, traditional wedding etiquette (for the most part) was developed over time to provide structure on which a family can lean when pulling the event together. It is also a set of standards by which we show our respect to those people we love and to remember the courtesy we want to publicly show to those people who have helped us and who have been keystones in our lives."
"And so, in our opinion, breaking a traditional rule is generally okay, as long as the alternative is done to put someone at ease without risking the comfort level of the group as a whole. To that end, each situation is completely unique and no single set of rules (or answers to questions) will provide everyone their own 'right answer' however, hopefully the approach to these dilemmas will help'.
BC: Couples feel obligated to invite everyone that has invited them to their wedding. Is it a must?
SW: Absolutely not: your wedding is your day and most couples struggle with keeping the guest list to their ideal number hard as it is, don't add that pressure to your list-making! Additionally, social events are not a means to keep score socially. Inviting someone for that purpose seems insincere.
SW: That absolutely depends on the situation. In church, the parents of the bride sit in the first seats of the left side of the aisle, the groom's parents on the right side of the aisle. If parents are re-married, have them sit instead with their spouses; if they are not friends, have them sit at opposite ends of the row; or seat the father a row or two behind his ex-wife. Finding the perfect spot so that neither feels uncomfortable or second best is the objective.
This goal is the same when it comes to seating parents, and any other potentially dangerous duo, at dinner. Allow the seating plan to take shape with some idea of who would enjoy sitting together. Also, asking their opinion and preference for seating arrangement might also nicely break the ice and make the entire situation more relaxed.
BC: Is it wrong to ask for money? What's the rule on that one?
SW: The big picture here is that we never ask for gifts from our guests. You are not hosting a wedding in order to finance your honeymoon or first home, so don't make it seem that way. Just as we do not list where we are registered in our invitations, we cannot suggest a personal cheque would be appreciated over a toaster. However, in the same way that we share our preferred gifts or registry lists, making sure the wedding party and both families are aware that money would be hugely appreciated. That way, when guests ask what to bring, they'll get the right answer.
BC: Can gifts be exchange or is that gauche?
SW: Is this a person who will be particularly hurt because they said they'd hunted all over for the perfect gift? If that answer is yes, then grin and bear it. If not, and especially if the gift came from your registry, write your thank you notes, express how much you appreciated their presence at your wedding and then exchange the picture frame for the perfect one next to it. Another option, if the gift giver is close, is to be honest, say you love the sentiment in the gift and that you've been needing a frame for a really important picture - then say, while I love this one, I think I've found another that would suit the picture better. Want to go look at it with me?
BC: If parents are paying for the wedding can they invite whomever they want?
SW: It's hard to believe this still happens today. However, this comes back to the adult conversations that must take place throughout the planning, especially when someone else is footing the bill. Make a plan to discuss what the problem is and be prepared to suggest how you'd like to solve it with consideration paid to your parents' perspective. Voicing your fear of a party with no friends might help them to see what they're unconsciously taking away from you.
BC: How do you handle not inviting other people's children (outside of the immediate family)?
SW: Typically, we only address the invitation to those who are, indeed, invited. But keep things clear by spreading the word (again through family and wedding party) that children of friends and extended family are not included in the invitation. You do not have to explain your decision, and I bet you'll find half the parents will be thrilled to have a night without their kids. By making things clear early on, everyone has time to plan for a 'sitter or slumber party.
BC: Where do you draw the line at invitations. For example "if you invite Aunt Marina, you have to invite Aunt Carol"?
SW: Navigate these obligation-ridden waters thoughtfully. If Aunt Carol is going to feel horribly left out that her only sister was invited and she wasn't, just include her. However, if you are keeping the wedding very small and have a particularly close relationship with your Aunt Marina, you may be able to gracefully keep your list trim by being completely honest with Carol, try and test the waters by introducing the subject of keeping the wedding small with her and see what she says. If it's really only a matter of one more person then be prepared to back down. Because it's only a one-time event, you'll be happy on the day that Carol wanted to celebrate with you.
One lovely idea Mindy Weiss and Lisbeth Levine put forward in The Wedding Book, is that a save the date card, to the definite guest list, allows you to determine, based on those responses how many people will be able to accept the invitation when it arrives. Getting a few regrets even before the invitation is issued will provide you with the opportunity to invite a few people who might have been on the second, or B list without them realizing. It can be equally hurtful to get the last-minute invite as not being invited at all.
Stephanie Wright is a Wedding Etiquette Expert and you can meet her this weekend at The Wedding Co. Show at the Carlu in Toronto.
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